is it normal?

not just a drop but the pain pain that still have a hope hope of your survival the fake hope that keeps me alive, keeps me alive even after those wounds on my hand, that poison in my body and that bleeding heart which is still bleeding with the same pain. It may be 9 months for the  the world but my brain still have your name my heart still have your love my skin still wants to feel you over my lips still misses your kisses I want you to come back not in dream anymore but in reality to hold me in the same  way as before to scold me for all my  mistakes to protect me from everyone. I want to scream I want to cry I want to break everything but all I could do is smile and say I'm  fine n now I'm finally realizing that,  crying because of fight was easier n better than crying to fight. Its been 6 years, but I can still remember everything like it was yesterday when he was with me making plans of lifetime. He is not gone alone, he took away those friends with him who I thought were

 we all have our own ways of dealing with our pains or traumas. after a lot of cuts on my body I picked up a journal, started writing poems about it. which made me feel better. There was a point were I just couldn't stop. I wrote and wrote  and filled the most of it. And then all of  a sudden my dad discovered it and I stopped. I was embarrassed or something, and after that I couldn't do that anymore because I was scared, but you have to find your happy place anyways after loosing two of them I discovered series. So now it's been 5 years and I know what I have been doing is wrong, but it's hard to stop, before getting another comfort zone. This is why I am starting this. I hope it gets better...